Affair-Proof Series
Affair-Proof #2: Are You Slowly Drifting Apart? Why “Small Things Often” Make or Break Your Marriage
Most couples think relationships are shaped by the big moments—
big fights, big betrayals, big turning points.
But in reality, it’s usually not the big moments that define a relationship.
Why Small Bids Matter More Than You Think
It’s the small, everyday interactions that matter most.
Although a grand, luxurious getaway vacation can be a wonderful way to enrich a relationship, John Gottman often emphasizes the idea of “small things, often.”
For example:
A quick hug before leaving the house
Bringing your partner a cup of coffee in the morning
Making eye contact or offering a smile in passing
The subtle ways you respond to each other throughout the day
In the Gottman Method, we call these small moments “bids for connection.”
A bid can be something very simple:
“Look at this.”
“Can I tell you something?”
A sigh after a long day
A casual comment like, “Work was stressful today”
On the surface, these moments may seem insignificant—but over time, they quietly shape how connected (or disconnected) a relationship feels.
When Bids Are Missed
When bids are consistently:
Ignored
Dismissed
Or met with distraction
Something begins to shift.
Not all at once—but gradually.
Emotional loneliness starts to grow within the relationship.
Debunking the Myth of “Growing Apart”
Many couples tell me, “We just grew apart over the years.”
In some ways, I agree—but in other ways, I gently challenge that idea.
What I agree with is this:
Couples can slowly drift apart when they repeatedly turn away from each other.
But what I would reframe is this:
It’s not only about “growing together.”
It’s about maintaining connection—moment by moment.
In other words, it’s about learning how to turn toward each other, again and again.
Turning Toward for Connection
The goal isn’t to respond perfectly.
The goal is to respond intentionally.
Turning toward can look like:
Pausing and making eye contact
Saying, “Tell me more”
Putting your phone down for a moment
Or gently saying, “I really want to hear this—can we come back to it in a few minutes?”
It’s not about how long you respond.
It’s about whether your partner feels seen and acknowledged.
A Simple Practice to Try
Start small. Keep it realistic.
👉 Try a 10-minute daily check-in:
No phones
No problem-solving
Just sharing:
“How was your day?”
“What’s been on your mind?”
A Gentle Truth
No relationship suddenly becomes disconnected overnight.
Disconnection happens slowly—
through moments that are missed, rushed, or overlooked.
But the reverse is also true:
Connection is built the same way—one small moment at a time.
Call to Action
Sometimes the most powerful step you can take for your relationship is not something big or dramatic—
it’s choosing, in small ways, to stay connected.
If you’re feeling distance in your relationship, you don’t have to navigate it alone.
With the right support and a clear, structured approach, meaningful change is possible.