Managing Conflicts Series #2: The First Three Minutes Could Save Your Marriage!
Why the First Three Minutes Matter in a Conflict Conversation
Many couples have shared with me that sometimes they don’t even remember what started their argument. They just know that things escalated quickly. As one client put it:
“I don’t remember what even started the fight! And if I did, it was so trivial that I can laugh about it now.”
Sound familiar? Almost every couple has been there. But for some, arguments escalate faster and more often, which can take an emotional toll—not just on the relationship itself, but also on teamwork in daily life and decision-making.
Why the First Three Minutes Count
Dr. John Gottman , a leading researcher in couples’ relationships for over four decades, found that the first three minutes of a conflict discussion can predict the outcome of the entire conversation—and even the long-term health of the relationship.
Couples who later divorced in his six-year study tended to start conflict discussions with criticism, contempt, or an attacking tone. By contrast, couples who stayed together were more likely to begin with curiosity, a softer tone, and less negativity in those first few minutes.
In my own work, I’ve noticed the same pattern. Reviewing couples’ conflict videos and their Love Lab results, I often see that when partners begin with a harsh start-up (see my earlier post), and don’t repair along the way, their conversations quickly spiral into negativity. The result? Feeling stuck, emotionally drained, and discouraged about the relationship.
Practical Tips for the First Three Minutes
Here are some ways to set yourself and your partner up for a healthier conversation:
Start calm and gentle. Your tone matters as much as your words. A softer beginning makes it more likely that the discussion will go well.
Use a “soft start-up.” Avoid harsh start-up like blame, criticism, or contempt (see my post).
Keep it simple. Bring up one issue at a time instead of piling on several old and new frustrations at once. Overloading the conversation usually fuels defensiveness.
Pause and breathe. When stress hormones rise, our heart rate speeds up, our speech quickens, and we get stuck in our own perspective. Slow down and reset.
Slow down by listening more than fighting back. As Scripture reminds us, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak” (James 1:19).
✨ Bottom line: The way you begin a conflict matters more than you think. By managing those first three minutes with care, you can greatly increase the chances of a productive, respectful conversation—and a stronger relationship overall.