Part 1: Does Miscarriage Strain Your Marriage?
Miscarriage can deeply impact the dynamics of a relationship, prompting many couples to seek counseling to navigate their grief and strengthen their bond. Often time the experience of miscarriage wasn’t mentioned in the very beginning when couples sought couples counseling. Rather, I hear them say “we are not communicating well and we need some communication tools.” Because miscarriage can strain and strengthen the marriage, I’d like to offer some insights to help couples understand their shared grief, strengthen their emotional connection, and offer guidance toward healing and renewal.
The common emotional experiences related with miscarriage are:
Grief and Loss: Miscarriage often triggers profound feelings of grief and loss, even though the loss may not visible and tangible. Many individuals and couples mourn the dreams, hopes, and expectations they had for the pregnancy and the future child.
Shock and Disbelief: The news of a miscarriage can come as sudden and unexpected. “I was in disbelief when the technician told me that she couldn’t detect the baby’s heartbeat.” As such, it can take time to process the reality of what has happened.
Sadness and Depression: Feelings of sadness and depression are common after a miscarriage. Many may struggle with low mood, tearfulness, and a sense of emptiness or numbness in the first few weeks when miscarriage happened. If the female partner’s sadness is not attended or understood by her partner, the feeling of not being cared for may further deteriorate the intimate relationship.
Guilt and Self-Blame: Some women may blame themselves that miscarriage is their fault and may want to find reasons why they did something wrong or what they could have prevented such loss. It is common that some women searching for answers about why miscarriage happened, and once they think they “figure out why” and may ruminate those thoughts that led to the miscarriage. The inability to reproduce naturally can cause feelings of shame, guilt, and a sense of inadequacy.
Anxiety and Fear: Miscarriage can instill anxiety and fear about future pregnancies. It is common that those who Individuals and couples may worry about the possibility of experiencing another miscarriage or may feel anxious about the outcome of future pregnancies. Moreover, for those who may think that they found out why miscarriage happens, they would try their best to avoid the similar experience. For instance, “I think the high intensity workout put much strain on my body, and I should avoid them.”
Isolation and Loneliness: Miscarriage can be a deeply isolating experience, particularly if individuals feel unable to openly discuss their loss with their loved ones and friends. They may not think that those who haven’t experienced miscarriage, or those who don’t have children can understand their feeling of grief. They feel alienated from others, which may reinforce isolation.
Questioning Faith or Beliefs: Miscarriage can lead individuals to question their faith in God, or their own spirituality about life. They may question about beliefs about life and death.
How can miscarriage strain your marriage?
Miscarriage can strain relationships, as couples 1) perceive the loss of marriage differently; 2) grieve in different ways, 3) have different ways to cope with loss and their emotions differently, and ) struggle to communicate effectively about their feelings.
1.Male and female partners may perceive miscarriage and cope with differently.
Many people view miscarriage as a medical aspect, not knowing it goes beyond a loss of a physical child. It is often unacknowledged or misunderstood for mothers, other family members' grief may be even more invisible.
It is common that females partners/ wives may feel a deep, visceral connection to the pregnancy, and have a deeper bond with the child compared to their male partners / husbands. Their grief can be more intense as they navigate not only the loss of their baby but also the physical and hormonal changes that come with pregnancy. For some male partners (husbands), the emotional impact of a miscarriage might not be as immediately apparent as it is for their wives. While they may feel sad about the loss of their unborn child, husbands may often channel their grief or feelings of loss into providing practical tasks or focus on providing comfort and stability. How male and female partners perceive marriage and cope with the loss of pregnancy can create misunderstanding. For instance, the wife complained that her husband doesn’t seem to care about her sad feelings of miscarriage, while the husband was shocked and responded to her that “I’ve tried to take care of the chores and cooking in the past few weeks and this is how I express love for you while you’re resting in bed!”
2. Grieve in different ways between the male and female partner
Miscarriage can create stress in partner and family relationships as individuals cope in different ways and struggle to navigate the loss together.
Many couples have very different feelings and ways of coping after a loss. You may be finding it hard to understand how your partner feels and why. This can push you further apart. It’s helpful to remember that everyone responds to grief differently and copes in the only way they know how.
Differences in men’s and women’s responses to miscarriage can be different. After this loss, partners often have different expectations about how to react, how to behave, and the appropriate amount of time to grieve. Such differences can result in increased marital tension that reduces partners abilities to provide support to each other. Because partner support is crucial to successfully coping after a miscarriage, and when this is undermined by incongruent grieving and poor communication many couples experience increased distance in the relationship and reduced marital satisfaction.
For instance, the female partner may be able to show sadness or vulnerable emotions more openly, and for male partners, they may feel sad about the loss, but may not show their sad emotions openly. The female partner may not feel emotionally connected with their male partner after miscarriage.
3. Different grieving styles may create conflicts and distance between the couple
Additionally, people grieve differently. One partner might wish the other would grieve the s/he is grieving. Women are often more emotionally expressive and want to talk through their thoughts, experiences, and feelings. Men are often more solution-oriented and may want to “fix” the problem. Women often end up feeling alone in their grief and men may feel frustrated that they can’t just fix their sadness. For example, a wife shared in the session that when she feels sad about her loss of the child, she needs to talk to her husband for emotional support. But the husband, with good intention, often offers solutions and advice, which makes her feel disconnected and to not want to “turn toward” her husband. The husband feels frustrated and thought that the wife didn’t want his support. Gradually, they grew apart emotionally even though they lived under the same roof.
4. The effect of sex and sexual intimacy after miscarriage
Once the physical miscarriage is over, it is common to see that one partner finds resuming sex helps as a way of showing love or comforting each other. But for others find it difficult after a loss. Couples may have misunderstandings due to different perceptions. One who has difficulties responding to sex may think that the other person doesn’t understand that they are not ready to get “too close”, or think that the other person is quickly to move on. On the other hand, the partner who shows sexual affection may feel confused, upset, or rejected that the other person doesn’t want to engage in sex.
Some people who have a miscarriage really want to get pregnant again straight away. Others are scared of getting pregnant and worried about how they will cope if something goes wrong again. If couples struggle to communicate openly about their feelings and preferences about sex, miscarriage may further strain the couple’s sexual intimacy.
In the next article I will share about how couples’ relationships can be strengthened after experiencing miscarriage.
Resources
Postpartum Support International