Five Common Reasons Couples Wait Too Long to Go to Couples Therapy and Why Couples Shouldn’t Delay Seeking Help
As a couples therapist, one common scenario to meet with my couples in their session is that they’re in crisis. What causes such a crisis may range from one spouse’s announcement of leaving the marriage, one’s finding out the spouse’s affair, the trigger of the family emergency, or fights spiral out of control.
During the first session as I listened to my couples’ pain, anger, and loneliness, I notice one common theme: many married couples have waited too long to seek couples therapy. Then I empathetically responded to their pain, asking “I’m so sorry to hear your pain over the years and I’m wondering…what kept you from getting the professional help you needed when the marital problem first started?
In this blog article, I want to share the five common reasons why married couples delay seeking couples counseling, and the important reasons why couples shouldn’t delay seeking help.
1. [Relationship issues are private and shouldn’t be talked about outside home]. The stigma like “don’t air your dirty laundry in public” is still prevalent these days. Talking about relationship issues to someone outside the family is discouraged or even prohibited to do as if you would betray your family. As a result, the weight of guilt and shame is unbearable. Or, individuals or couples may fear being judged or labeled as "weak" or "failures" for needing outside help with their relationship.
Positive way to think about this:
Just as we go to the doctor for aches and pains or for physical health check-ups, couples counseling is also seen as a check-up with a trained professional for relationship well-being. Seeking couples counseling is a proactive step towards relationship growth and improving mental health. For those who think seeking counseling help is considered weak or a failure, the truth is that seeking help from a professional does not mean failure but rather a commitment to growth and courage.
2. [Denying or minimizing marital problems]. Not taking relationship issues seriously enough is the second most common reason why couples delay getting professional help. The thoughts sound like:
“Every couple fights. Fighting is normal, not a big deal, hum?”, or
“We argued and didn’t talk for a few days, but after some time we cooled down and started to talk again. We moved on nicely and life goes on!”.
These couples may experience the familiar and repetitive cycle: tension -> arguments or fights -> silent treatment -> talking again -> back to the cycle again.
These couples either deny the severity of their relationship problems, or rationalize that they can handle their own relationship issues confidently. Well, although life may seem to go on as usual, without a deliberate and courageous act to dig into what got you and your spouse upset (or frustrated, disappointed, and so on and so forth) in the first place, knowing how to handle conflicts different, and learning how to repair after the conflicts, they may face their perpetuate issues and hit the gridlocks.
Positive way to think about it:
Conflicts are inevitable in intimate relationships. When couples deny or avoid doing a deep dive on their conflicts, conflicts don’t go away as they are being swept under the rug. Acknowledging and accepting that we’re stuck in the cycle of unhealthy relationships is the first step to get out of our denial.
3.[My life is too busy to see a therapist] “I have work and kids and I don’t have time for counseling.” Being a mom myself, I can totally relate how overwhelming nowadays couples feel as there is so much on their plate. Overcoming a busy life to see a therapist can be challenging, but it's crucial to prioritize your mental health and your relationship health. It is also possible to incorporate therapy into your schedule.
Positive way to think about it:
Prioritizing your marriage first. When you have a strong marriage you give your children a safe and loving family to grow up in. Building a satisfying marriage needs intentionality and time. Recognize that taking care of your mental and relational health is just as important as other responsibilities in life. Attending your relationship well-being by either going to couples counseling or participating in marriage enrichment workshops shows your value of prioritizing your marriage in your life. Practically speaking, you may take a look at your schedule and identify any activities that are not essential or can be delegated or postponed. Assess how you're spending your time and allocate time to attend couples counseling or enrichment workshops.
4.[Avoid conflicts] Another comment that I heard from my couples who delay seeking couples counseling is that “talking about feelings or conflicts is uncomfortable, and talking about our conflicts means that the marriage is bad.”
It is understandable that talking about conflicts and the feelings around conflicts can be unpleasant and stressful. Couples who avoid conflicts may seem to be fine because they don’t or rarely fight. But the truth is that problems or hurt feelings remain; they just don’t get communicated or resolved. Unresolved or unexpressed thoughts and feelings related to conflicts can lead to resentment, a lack of connection, and loneliness. Avoiding conflicts may gain temporary peace on the surface, but over time couples don’t feel intimate and connected with each other.
The remedy:
When couples don’t talk about hard stuff, they lose sight of identifying and processing those underlying feelings and issues that cause their conflicts. When couples don’t talk about their conflicts intentionally or unintentionally, they lose the opportunities to understand and to learn about the “hidden dreams/ values/ core” of themselves as well as their spouse’s. In couples counseling, couples can learn about their own history of emotions, using words to describe their own and their partner’s emotions, and the techniques to express their emotions around conflicts, such as “gentle start-up”. Hopefully, with the right interventions the feelings of emotional distancing, isolation and loneliness can be minimized.
5.[I can read books or listen to podcasts; I don’t need a therapist.] Another common reason that my couples didn’t seek counseling is because they found resources to improve their marriage on their own. I affirm these couples who are self-taught learners to grow their marriage. They listen to podcasts, read books and find resources on the internet and I love to work with these couples because they’re motivated to learn and are open to change. They came to me because they can only implement some of the relationships in real life to some degrees, then they hit the wall. After experiencing an emotional connection with their loved one, gaining a sense of clarity about the stuck patterns, my couples told me that “I guess that I don’t need to wait that long to start couples counseling because we can read books AND come to counseling at the same time.”
Rethink about couples counseling:
While self-help books/podcasts can be valuable supplements to therapy and can provide useful information and insights, they typically lack the personalized guidance, interactive process, and emotional support that real therapy offers. Some of the issues can be too complex to be addressed simply by one podcast episode alone. My couples shared with me that having me be present, structuring the sessions, and actively facilitating and guiding the process, those relationship-building tools from self-help books “come alive” and the “here-and-now” experiences in counseling are rich. I believe that the dynamic, and interactive process in therapy allows for exploration, clarification, and deeper understanding of my couples’ thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in a way that books and podcasts cannot replicate.
Just like treating a physical ailment early can prevent it from becoming worse, addressing marital issues early can prevent them from escalating into more serious problems and from intensifying and causing more distress. Finding professional help is not weak. It is a courageous act.